The Film Where Kate Hepburn Has An Abortion By Flying Into The Sun

“You…you really think that’s a good idea, Kate?”

[pounds table] “Boys, we’d be crazy not to make her a lady daredevil pilot. I wouldn’t do the picture otherwise.”

“Well, if you think so…but most girls have abortions on the ground, don’t you think, Kate?”

“I think my character would prefer to have one by flying into the sun. If she’s going to have an abortion, she might as well break the sound barrier while she’s at it.”

“You’re the boss, Kate.”

“Damn right, lads. And one more thing. Find a way to make my character wear a moth costume in this picture.”

“A moth costume?”

“That’s right. Here, have a cigar.”

For anyone who lives here, New York City can feel like the greatest, most exciting place in the world. When it’s great, there’s truly nothing like it. But when it’s bad, it can be miserable. Sometimes in the midst of struggling just to get by, we can forget what it was, that magic, that made us fall in love with this city in the first place. Here is a short list of things that have worked for me, suggestions to help you remind yourself what made you choose NYC.

Go to Central Park. Stand in the middle of the park so that when you look up you can’t see buildings at all, just trees. Kill yourself.

Live in a museum for six months. Have furniture delivered there.

Call in sick to work (just this once). Take out enough money from an ATM to get your jaw wired shut and bring a magazine to the Upper East Side. Stand on the corner of 88th and 2nd and think about everyone who died just so you could have a computer. You will be surprised.

Be Jewish if you can. You will be surprised.

Wander around Chinatown with nowhere specific in mind. Try new things! Look for someone who catches your attention. When you find the right person (and you’ll know them when you see them) hold a knife to their throat and consider income inequality. Try to get them to consider it too. Hopefully you were born into money. Demand breast milk and watch as New Yorkers come together to get some for you. You will be surprised.

And lastly, forget shapes. I mean actively work to unlearn what shapes are. It’s impossible. Ride the R train and just fucking love it. You will be…

It was the first day of school and the last day of my sixteenth year. It was also the last day before everything changed, which made tomorrow the first day that everything was different, and also my birthday. Nothing ever changes in this town, until the day everything changed for good. I’ve lived in this town my whole life, and everything’s always been the same, only it turns out that everything I thought was normal wasn’t normal at all, not even me. I’m just a regular kid, or am I.

I’d been having those dreams again. The dreams that started after my parents’ accident, and then went away for a long time, but now they’re back, and this time there’s a girl in them.

“I’ve been having those dreams again,” I told my mother-figure, who was my aunt or my nanny or my Amma or Auntie Rose or something who’s always lived with us since my mom died in that accident, or what I thought was an accident until today. “There’s a girl in them.” She made me eat fifteen pancakes.

Mallory Ortberg knocks it out of the park again.

BLAH: A Lifestyle Magazine for the Depressed Woman | The Hairpin

Are You a BLAH Girl? Take Our Quiz and Find Out!Pick the phrase that best describes how you feel about yourself on a typical day:
a) My 12-year-old self would be disappointedb) Mayor of Crap Townc) Have lost all connection with self, am dry huskd) This isn’t a good time
Getting Out of Bed
What fresh hell is this? Oh, daytime. Is there a point? Well, can you still feel the crushing weight of existential dread pressing down, forcing the air from your lungs until each breath is more shallow and desperate? Yes?
Congratulations, there is no point. Hit the snooze button just right and you can relive this horrifying realization of your own cosmic irrelevance two or three more times in the next 30 minutes.

BLAH: A Lifestyle Magazine for the Depressed Woman | The Hairpin

Are You a BLAH Girl? Take Our Quiz and Find Out!

Pick the phrase that best describes how you feel about yourself on a typical day:

a) My 12-year-old self would be disappointed
b) Mayor of Crap Town
c) Have lost all connection with self, am dry husk
d) This isn’t a good time

Getting Out of Bed

What fresh hell is this? Oh, daytime. Is there a point? Well, can you still feel the crushing weight of existential dread pressing down, forcing the air from your lungs until each breath is more shallow and desperate? Yes?

Congratulations, there is no point. Hit the snooze button just right and you can relive this horrifying realization of your own cosmic irrelevance two or three more times in the next 30 minutes.

The hills are DEAD, motherfucker.