Hello, my name is Derek. I am a 24 year old male searching for someone to keep me company in my spacious historic home. The estate, Schoffield Manor, came into my possession months ago through an inheritance. Schoffield Manor is an eight bedroom farm house built in 1921. The house offers countless elegant views as it sits on 50 acres of beautiful country landscape, so much that I often find myself lonely. I am hoping to find an interesting companion to fill this void that the estate creates. We could watch movies, cook dinners, or go for long walks on the property.
I probably should have stated this outright first, but applicants should be open minded because this house has another unconventional occupant. In months here at Schoffield Manor I have become acquainted with a spectre of a previous tenant. Through numerous encounters I have learned this visitor is the visiant of a German man named Klaus Eichmann. Don’t worry, he immigrated here in 1908 as a child so he’s not into that Nazi funny business. Klaus does have a small quirk. He often asks people to play schnitzel with him, but never elaborates on what that is. It shouldn’t be a big deal since he visits infrequently, but I wouldn’t indulge in his requests. I have attached a sketch of Klaus to give you an idea of what he looks like.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you are interested, shoot me an email. Again, all that is required is an open mind.
Pretty sure Shirley Jackson wrote this Craigslist ad.
"I love these little gum spots on the ground! It’s like a city of polka dots!"
As parody pranks go, this one manages to be good-natured and sweet while still hilarious.
"Kids don’t know what fractals are!"
This might be the best one yet.
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA MOM-WATCH 2014
So a few weeks ago, my mom binge-watched Battlestar Galactica, and texted me continuously as she did. Some highlights that I feel compelled to share with the world:
“Why do they have whiteboards with markers from Staples?”
"It’s becoming more complicated now with almost everyone being robots."
"Why is Dr. Baltar so obviously creepy?"
“On TV and in movies people are knocked unconscious all the time, wake up and then start shooting people.”
"They are all drinking so much on a regular basis that they could never protect a fleet!"
HER: “Is [name redacted for spoilers] dead?! Is it the end of her character?”
ME: “Do you want me to answer that?”
HER: “Yes, but indirectly.”
ME: “I’m…not sure that’s possible.”
“Baltar has become one of my favorite characters at this point with his Jesus Christ hairstyle”
“What was the baby-faced Lee going to do as his new vocation?”
"Please tell me where the Cylons buy their jeans."
The band has had a few different names over the years.
Andy Dwyer forever.
Man, am I glad Danielle Corsetto is back from her no-comics hiatus.