we were just pretending

NEW YORK­­—With the announcement of the 67th Annual Tony Award nominations Tuesday morning, new Broadway musical Loud, Desperate Need For Approval is leading the pack with an impressive 13 nominations while chief rivalLook At Me, Look At Me, Please, God, Look At Me follows close behind with 11 nods in many of the same categories. “This has been an incredible year for Broadway; so competitive, in fact, that even a great show like All-Consuming Narcissism might actually get shut out,” said Deadline.com entertainment reporter Mike Fleming Jr., who went on to say that competition for actors is equally fierce as heavyweights Bottomless Need For Validation Stemming From Childhood Neglect and Naked Self-Obsession face off for best leading actor in a play. “The adaptation of Shrill, Needy Histrionics got a surprising amount of love from Tony nominators for a play that closed in March to mixed reviews, but perhaps the biggest surprise is British import Shameless And Barely Disguised Cry For Attention’s snub. No one saw that coming.” According to sources, despite the buzz surrounding Flashy, Masturbatory Horseshit for best revival of a musical, sources confirm that it is almost certainly Pippin’s year.

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Annoyed sources confirmed this week that married and pregnant local woman Ashley Canfield will not stop achieving significant life milestones, unanimously agreeing that the 30-year-old law school graduate seriously needs to just cool it with the achievements.

Saying they were tired of hearing about her steadily progressing life via occasional e-mail, telephone, or face-to-face interactions, Canfield’s peers told reporters that the woman should just do everyone a huge favor and dial back her professional, social, educational, and familial accomplishments for the indefinite future.

Sometimes it seems like he’s just using this show as an excuse to play out his fantasies, y’know? Every show opens with him performing stand-up to a great crowd that loves every one of his jokes. And he’s constantly having sex with these beautiful women. Like, WAY too beautiful for a schlubby guy like Jerry. Even George, who’s like short and fat, and Kramer, who’s just kind of gross, both also have sex with these beautiful women. It’s like, yeah, okay, Jerry. I guess enjoy the dream while you can.

This is spot-on.