"I guess I like that idea that you could pretend yourself into new feelings and new relationships. Obviously I'm a big pretender. but the kind of leap where it's almost like some kind of science fiction thing happens. Like we were just pretending, and then what's this? We actually have new powers now, and we see each other differently, and in fact all of life has suddenly tilted. I'm going for that everyday, personally."
~ Miranda July
NEW YORK—With the announcement of the 67th Annual Tony Award nominations Tuesday morning, new Broadway musical Loud, Desperate Need For Approval is leading the pack with an impressive 13 nominations while chief rivalLook At Me, Look At Me, Please, God, Look At Me follows close behind with 11 nods in many of the same categories. “This has been an incredible year for Broadway; so competitive, in fact, that even a great show like All-Consuming Narcissism might actually get shut out,” said Deadline.com entertainment reporter Mike Fleming Jr., who went on to say that competition for actors is equally fierce as heavyweights Bottomless Need For Validation Stemming From Childhood Neglect and Naked Self-Obsession face off for best leading actor in a play. “The adaptation of Shrill, Needy Histrionics got a surprising amount of love from Tony nominators for a play that closed in March to mixed reviews, but perhaps the biggest surprise is British import Shameless And Barely Disguised Cry For Attention’s snub. No one saw that coming.” According to sources, despite the buzz surrounding Flashy, Masturbatory Horseshit for best revival of a musical, sources confirm that it is almost certainly Pippin’s year.
ALEXANDRIA, VA—Annoyed sources confirmed this week that married and pregnant local woman Ashley Canfield will not stop achieving significant life milestones, unanimously agreeing that the 30-year-old law school graduate seriously needs to just cool it with the achievements.
Saying they were tired of hearing about her steadily progressing life via occasional e-mail, telephone, or face-to-face interactions, Canfield’s peers told reporters that the woman should just do everyone a huge favor and dial back her professional, social, educational, and familial accomplishments for the indefinite future.
Sometimes it seems like he’s just using this show as an excuse to play out his fantasies, y’know? Every show opens with him performing stand-up to a great crowd that loves every one of his jokes. And he’s constantly having sex with these beautiful women. Like, WAY too beautiful for a schlubby guy like Jerry. Even George, who’s like short and fat, and Kramer, who’s just kind of gross, both also have sex with these beautiful women. It’s like, yeah, okay, Jerry. I guess enjoy the dream while you can.
I spent so many hours of my childhood watching Legends of the Hidden Temple. It never occurred to me think how Sisyphean the temple run sequence was. Now I think it might have preconditioned me to believe that failure is the most likely outcome of any undertaking. Thanks, Nickelodeon!
“The fretful coaching you hear is the voice of the show’s host, Kirk Fogg. It really makes for some fantastic free verse poetry:
She’s gonna have to go find a door Gonna have to hit the door, the — Gonna just have to hit the — She gonna have to get a torch Gonna have to get a torch and put it into one of the holes One of the holes in the front, it’s the room with the three torches Right in front of you The very front You have to put it, the torch in the hole in the front No! The other hole in the front In the very front”