God, I love Don Hertzfeldt. This is both totally bizarre and strangely touching.
Hello, my name is Derek. I am a 24 year old male searching for someone to keep me company in my spacious historic home. The estate, Schoffield Manor, came into my possession months ago through an inheritance. Schoffield Manor is an eight bedroom farm house built in 1921. The house offers countless elegant views as it sits on 50 acres of beautiful country landscape, so much that I often find myself lonely. I am hoping to find an interesting companion to fill this void that the estate creates. We could watch movies, cook dinners, or go for long walks on the property.
I probably should have stated this outright first, but applicants should be open minded because this house has another unconventional occupant. In months here at Schoffield Manor I have become acquainted with a spectre of a previous tenant. Through numerous encounters I have learned this visitor is the visiant of a German man named Klaus Eichmann. Don’t worry, he immigrated here in 1908 as a child so he’s not into that Nazi funny business. Klaus does have a small quirk. He often asks people to play schnitzel with him, but never elaborates on what that is. It shouldn’t be a big deal since he visits infrequently, but I wouldn’t indulge in his requests. I have attached a sketch of Klaus to give you an idea of what he looks like.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you are interested, shoot me an email. Again, all that is required is an open mind.
Pretty sure Shirley Jackson wrote this Craigslist ad.
I cried over beautiful things knowing no beautiful thing lasts.
Carl Sandburg, from section “Autumn Movement” of “Redhaw Winds,” Poetry (October 1918)
This is so good. Universe of nothing but shrimp!